Brooklyn- A failed Adoption (part two)

You hear that adoption is a roller coaster ride, but you never fully understand that until you are going through it. The fear, the happiness, the anger and frustration, and the love; all of these making for some sleepless nights and restless days.

The first week with Brooklyn was probably the happiest time of my life. As mentioned before it was compact with plans and moving things around in my house in preparation, but I was finally a mother. Not just a mother, I was a mother in love with everything about her little girl.

That week flew by and they brought Conner to our house. He was just a cute little chubby boy, who looked so afraid. I couldn't help but feel that motherly instinct for him as well. He had lived with his grandparents and mother his whole 16 months of life, and now they were placing him with the second set of unknown adults in a matter of weeks. His sister, was not his favorite person at first, but I knew that would take time.

I was now a mother to two children! Johannes and I were so in love, it was crazy that we had once worried what it would be like, if we could love another child, now looking back at those fears, it seemed so absurd.

Then came the visits with the bio mom. They were yet again, two-three hours away from where we lived, one way and they wanted me to transport two times a week. Taking a newborn and a toddler in a car for a short trip is hard enough, but 4-6 hours depending on traffic in the car was miserable. There was also the 3-4 hour visit time lengths that I had to sit there, or drive around to waste time. I didn't know that I had the right to contest where the visits would be held, I didn't understand that I could actually deny transporting the children. All I knew was that I was already so in love with the two little humans that I would do ANYTHING to keep them.

I remember Conner started out so sad, and afraid but with-in the next month he really started to blossom. I was able to see a smile, hear one of his mischievous chuckles. Witness his notorious eye rolls. He loved baths, and FOOD! He would eat anything that was placed in front of him and he had a little belly to prove it.

Nights with Brooklyn were my favorite. The quiet time with her in my arms, rocking her, kissing her soft little head. Watching her sleep as I imagined every part of her life ahead of her. Her small fingers wrapped around my one. With in that next month, she was already growing so quickly. All of her medical issues from her birth were now in control. She was eating and sleeping like a champ, and looking like a beautiful angel.

August came with horrible news. Horrible isn't bad enough. Horrendous, soul crushing news. They were going to return Conner home, which was sad, but kind of expected. That wasn't the soul crushing part. The state was going to return Brooklyn as well, but not right away. The birth mom had changed her mind. Of course she had. I never doubted her love for her. Her birth mom was contesting the drug charges, saying that, that was the first time she had EVER tried drugs. Logic would of course make that statement absurd. No mother would wait until days before she was to give birth to try drugs for the first time.

They were going to take my baby away, I hoped somehow that getting Conner would appease her, and she would let me keep Brooklyn. I knew that was never going to happen, but I prayed that it would. I prayed that I would get to keep my baby. I told my father in heaven how much I loved her. I told him that he couldn't take being a mother away from me. I told him that I would die, if he took being a mother away from me. I told him that if he loved me, he would let me keep my baby.

In part three, Conner leaves, and I still have Brooklyn for now, also I start to become a real foster parent.