When we received the new baby I wasn't going to give him a name. I was afraid to attach to him the way I had to Brooklyn. I was going to call him by his birth name. Fate stepped in, and that would not be a possibility. His name happened to be the very name my sister in-law had named her baby whom had passed away at birth. That name would bring far too many emotions to them, and since it was a possibility that we might be able to keep him, Johannes and I discussed a name for this new handsome man. (I will discuss this amazing boy further in the next post) We decided that we would name him Jaxel.
Makayla, was enjoying being around the two babies. She was enjoying her time with me, but something strange was happening. Whenever we were in public, she wouldn't want me. She would only want my husband, Johannes. Whom she called Hunny (so cute). She was a sweet little girl. I was beginning to try and potty train her, and practice learning new things with her, she said funny things all the time.
Brooklyn was now 6 months old. She was sitting up, doing some pretty amazing baby talk. Eating like a mad woman. She slept so well, and was now able to sit on my hip, and snuggle me back. With out warning her tooth popped up and it was pretty much the cutest thing we had ever seen. I loved the way she fell in love with her toes, constantly rolling into a ball so she could grab hold of those little toesies for what seemed like hours.
Jaxel, was probably the sweetest baby ever. EVER! Within the first week he slept through the night. He ate so much food, that his belly would look swollen, and he'd still want more. He was a huge little guy and it was like he was trying to eat enough food to keep up with his growth rate. He loved to be swaddled, and he loved his binky. He was born with a broken clavicle but it never really seemed to bother him, and within that first month he was completely healed.
It's amazing how busy I was. I know that Heavenly Father knew that I needed that. I couldn't just sit there and worry because I had three little's to look after. He also blessed me with sweet babies, and at that time Makayla wasn't acting too much like a two year old.
Days before Halloween, we were to go to the bio mothers house to help the reunification process. I wish I had said no, but like I said before I didn't get that I had options. That's one thing I learned from this whole process, the foster care system will use you as much as they possibly can, and they do not care about your feelings. To them I was a foster parent. I wasn't an adoptive parent who was having their heart ripped from their chest.
I tried to be as nice as possible but mostly I just had to sit there and listen to their side of the story. I had to tour their house. I had to see that they had nothing ready for the baby that they would be receiving soon, when my house had been prepared for years. I had to fight the pain that was suffocating me. As we sat down, the grandparents, the bio mom, and her lawyer they wanted to discuss further meeting times. I finally found my voice. I told them I could not handle any more meeting like this. Their lawyer had the audacity to try and shame me, saying that when she was a foster mother, she would always support reconciliation. I then told her while holding back the tears the very best that I could, "I was not her foster parent, I was her adoptive parent, and this is killing me."
We went home and I cried the whole way. I cried that whole night. I prayed that I would get to keep her, at least for my birthday. I just wanted her until my birthday. I begged that I would get to keep her over and over, at least until my birthday. Such a foolish wish. No purpose to it. I was just not ready to rip off the band aid of her loss. Somehow being able to keep her first for Halloween, then for my birthday somehow made it seem like all those times that I had waited for birthdays and holidays to get her, would feel like more of a reality. Like it would mean so much more. I knew deep down it would never be enough. That I wanted more than a few important dates. I wanted eternity with her in our family. I knew that we would never be able to get that.
I can't remember those days in between. I was numb. I was afraid. I didn't want to face life with out her. Yet, part of me was ready for this pain to finally be over. The waiting for her to be taken, was horrible. I had thought waiting for a call from a bio parent to pick me was bad, but this topped that a million times.
November 5th came, my birthday. I received a call that we would meet with the bio mother the next morning at a grocery store, to hand over our little girl to once again become her little girl. I got my prayers answered I was able to keep her until my birthday. I cried and hugged her all day. I didn't want to even let her sleep. I didn't want her to be out of my sight. That night, while she slept, I hugged her picture instead and wept. My face was swollen, my eyes could barely open, I couldn't even breathe, I was crying so hard. I gathered all her things that we would send and put it in a bag to go in the morning. I discussed with my husband how we would handle the next day.
I didn't want to waste any of the precious time that we had with her, but I knew that I could not handle giving her away. I knew I could not say good bye that way and have that be my last memory. That morning I tried to pretend that she was just going to a visit and that I would have her again. I fed her, and hugged her. Kissed her a million times, and I told her she had to remember me. I told her she needed to remember how much we loved her. I told her that she needed to find me in heaven after she saw her life story and saw how much we loved her and fought for her. I told her I loved her and kissed her one last time as Johannes, stoically took her away.
I remember thinking that I was broken. That I would never be whole again.
I remember thinking that no one understood my sadness. In truth no one did.
I remember thinking that I was alone, even though I knew that my Heavenly Father was with me.
I tried to continue with my two children the best I could, but my heart was so broken, that all I could do was take care of their minimal needs, and then sit there and cry.
In the next post I get to tell you all about my healing, Makayla finding a new home, and sweet little Jaxel.
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