Brooklyn- A failed Adoption (part 3)

The sadness swept over me, pulling me down. I felt like, that high I had once felt had been replaced with the lowest low I had ever experienced. Every time that I looked at Conner felt like the very last time, and I didn't want to stop holding Brooklyn. I was afraid that she might just disappear. It felt like she was dying and I only had a short time to soak up the life we had left. I still had the visits with the bio-mom to deal with and they were now filled with such sad emptiness as the case worker would take them from me and I would be alone.

Conner left at the end of August. It was sad, but I had never felt like he was mine only that I was taking care of him until the bio mom got her stuff in order. So I guess I hadn't let my heart open up entirely. I loved him, but I was happy for him that he was able to go back to the family that he had known up until that point.

The case worker picked him up, and I hugged him hard. He cried not wanting to go, and I cried too. We had bonded, and I would miss his little face so much!

Then it was just Brooklyn with us, and the heaviness surrounded me. The fear that they would take her away at any moment. The sadness that was consuming me. I had never known depression like this, and every single part of my body ached, my heart screaming the loudest. My mind was on auto pilot taking care of a small babies needs. All I wanted to do was lay in bed with my baby and hold her. Every morning I would wake up to her coos and when I would go to pick her up she would smile. I would make up songs for her as I rocked her, and those moments are still etched inside of me.

We had a meeting with the case worker, the bio moms case worker, her lawyer, and a lot of other people, whom I had no clue who they were. It was to discuss moving Brooklyn back with her bio mother. I sat in the room numb. Completely numb. The bio grandfather, told us that we should really try to foster parent instead of paying for adoption. The case worker wanted us to go to their house to have visits at their house with them.

I wanted to scream.

I AM NOT A FOSTER PARENT. I DON'T WANT TO TAKE CARE OF SOMEONE ELSES BABY! I WANT MY VERY OWN.

I knew I shouldn't be, but I was angry at the bio mom. Not for loving them, and wanting them. But for getting in the situation she was in, for putting me in the situation that I was in. I was angry at her for breaking my heart. I was angry at her for breaking her promise. I was angry at her for choosing me.

They said they wanted to move her over with in the next couple months.

I didn't think I could be any sadder, but after that meeting, it happened.

I did not want to help her be a good mother, I did not want to give her back my baby. I did not want to feel all the pain that I was feeling. I wanted to see my dreams of that little girl come into play. I wanted Brooklyn to know me and love me, I wanted her completely. She was MY baby, wasn't she? No. She was not. She was her baby and like Conner, they had just chosen me to baby sit. They had used me. I was desperate enough that I was more than willing to be used.

September came.

The fear of Brooklyn's departure was so consuming.

I received a phone call. A little girl. She was almost two, and they just needed a home for her for a little while. They wanted to know if I would be willing to take her?

I don't know why because I wasn't in the right mind state to do it, but I was selfish and I did not want to be alone, when they took Brooklyn. I was afraid that if I was alone, that I might do something to myself. So, numbly, I said yes.

MaKayla came that night. She was beautiful with black ringlets, round face, and saucer blue eyes. She was smart and talkative and she brought in a new joy into our house that diminished some of our sadness. I tried to make myself pretend that they weren't taking Brooklyn away so, I could start surviving again. I didn't want to have my last days with her be spent in sadness. So we began shopping, and playing, and doing girly things.

I spent a short time convincing myself that a miracle would happen and somehow I would get to keep both of the little girls and that I would end up having two girls. I painted nails, I dressed them up we took pictures. I was in little girl paradise.

October came too.

Now I really began to get my hopes up. Maybe they wouldn't take her? Getting Conner back, might have been enough to appease them.

October 18th we received a phone call. A little boy needed a home. He had just been born the night before, would we be willing to take care of him?

I wanted to say NO, I wanted to say YES! I wanted to tell the case worker how much I hated every single one of them. I wanted that baby. I got on my knees and prayed. I cried and prayed. Heavenly father blessed me with peace and the answer, yes. I knew what this meant. Brooklyn really was leaving, but I would not be alone.

I called my mother to come watch my 6month old, and almost two year old, so I could go pick up my newborn.

In part four Brooklyn's story comes to an end, and the beginning of my forever family starts.