As I was struggling to come to grips with Brooklyn being gone. I was yet again in darkness. I was reaching out for my faith that my Heavenly Father loved me. I knew he did. I knew he had a reason for what we had gone through, but I just didn't know why yet.
Makayla was having a hard time. She was not being kind to me. She was wiping feces all over her room, her toys, her bed. She only wanted Johannes and the rejection at that time when I already felt so broken was overwhelming. I talked to the case worker about my fears of something going wrong and she said that maybe this was just not a good fit right now. That she had a family who had been taking care of her for her parents for years, who were so desperately wanting her. With shame at my failure, I accepted that, that might be a better option for her. When I went to drop her off at her new home I saw a sweet woman with dark curly hair, and Makayla ran to her. Again, I felt like a failure. I told this woman, that I didn't understand it but she just didn't want me.
This kind woman eased my heart as she revealed to me, that when Makayla's birth mother had began to use drugs again, she began to hurt her. She had dyed her hair bleach blonde, and she cried all the time.
She didn't want me, because I had blonde hair and cried all the time. At least there was a reason I could embrace.
I was now a foster mom to one little boy, Jaxel. It was a nice break, that offered me a chance to begin healing. I didn't know what would happen with this little guy, but I was already in love with him. I found myself over the next few months leaving my house again. I found that I could smile at the sweet things he would do with out feeling like I was betraying my first baby. I also found that I could go for a few days with out crying. It was not a quick process. I still had my dark moments, and this sweet baby who was always smiling, always cooing, always sleeping and eating and being completely perfect allotted me time to being to get better.
I was thankful to my Heavenly Father that I was still a mother. I was not a mother to my sweet girl, but I was still a mother to this sweet boy and I could truly see that my Heavenly Father was watching over me.
I tried to avoid the fear of losing him. I tried to avoid closing my heart off to him. He made it to difficult, not to love him. 
My heart still ached. My heart still throbbed. Johannes and I found a way to cling together, to embrace this sadness and find a way to be happy.
In the next few months we would find out that the future of Jaxel in our family was uncertain. There were family members that were still options for him to be placed with.
Then May came. My mother called me, asking if I would like to extend our name to a birth mother who was looking for a family for her unborn child. My heart leapt and sunk at the same time. I told her that I needed to pray about it.
Brooklyn's first birthday came and so did Mother's day. I think every one except for my husband forgot that I was still a mother. We prayed together, what we should do? I called my mother and told her, that I would like if she did tell the birth mother about us. 
June came and we met with the birth mother and her mother at our house. She was beautiful, she was someone I had known years ago, I had been six years older than her but I remember her bright spirit, and her beauty distinctly.
As soon as we began talking, everything she began to say, I wanted to answer, "me too." I tried to hold my tongue and listen and respond appropriately.
I think Heavenly Father was stepping in to join our spirits. They loved that Johannes loved Christmas lights. There were so many silly things that we connected on, that I can not deny that Heavenly Father had his hands in our meeting.
She left, and then hope began to bud in me again. Maybe I would be a permanent mother to a child?
In my next post we find out about what the birth mom chooses, if we will be blessed with a baby, and we find out more about our other sweet baby Jaxel.
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