Chosen for keeps

We tried to patiently await the decision of the birth mom we had met with. She had a big decision and we were not trying to rush her, we wanted her to be sure. We received a call in June confirming that, the birth mom had indeed chosen us to parent her child. Oh ya, she was pregnant with a little girl.

The next few months I tried to do as many things as I could to keep busy; so that I didn't go crazy with fear. I was afraid of the birth mom changing her mind, or somehow it not working out with the birth father.

 

July came and went.

 

 Jaxel was really starting to get big, and I had no idea what we were going to do with him. We still didn't know what the state was going to say about his future with us, but I gave them fair warning that we had been chosen by a birth mom to parent her daughter.

My sisters set up a baby shower for August 18th.

That morning as we were setting up I received a phone call. Our new daughters mommy had gone into labor and was at the hospital. That we needed to come now. I put my sisters in charge of canceling the shower, as I called nervously to get in touch with Johannes who had gone into work to stay out of my hair for the shower.

I can not explain the feelings that were reeling inside of me. I was afraid, for my daughters birth mother J, I didn't know how she was going to do this. I knew the loss that I had felt losing Brooklyn and I didn't want her to have that pain. I didn't want to feel like I caused that pain for her. I was afraid that she would change her mind too. I was afraid for J's physical pain and prayed the whole way that my Heavenly Father would bless her with the easiest birth that there was. I was SO excited! I would get to be at the hospital while my daughter was born. I would get to finally see this beautiful girl! My heart was pumping with excitement!

Johannes and I arrived at almost the same time. We rushed inside, we sat down. We talked to family members who were waiting as well.

Then we heard a tiny cry.

A short time later we were welcomed into the room with J and baby girl whom we decided to name Haven with a middle name after her bio mothers. We hugged J, and then I was able to hold Haven. She was so small, so beautiful and as I looked at her I wept. The spirit in the room was overwhelming and strong. Then Johannes was able to hold her. This moment was one of the most perfect and heart wrenching experiences I had gone through. Looking at J, I wanted to make her pain go away, I didn't even want to smile for fear that it would cause her more pain to see me happy. That little girl, my Haven, she was amazing. We were able to stay there, pick her name to put on the birth certificate, we were able to hold her multiple times. Then we went home that night emotionally exhausted, deliriously happy, and completely afraid. Would her birth mom change her mind in the night?

 

She did not change her mind. The night went by, then the morning and we were getting a call to come pick up baby from the hospital. It still did not feel real. I didn't know what it would take to make it feel real, but looking at J's face brought the realness of her sorrow.

 

We drove our little girl to my mothers and we shared our new miracle with family. All the while of being so in love and hugging and kissing Haven, the deep sorrow of Brooklyn, and J filled my heart. How can something so beautiful and spiritual, and right; still hold so much pain?
 

The most precious moment happened inside of me as we introduced Jaxel to his new sister, PURE joy!