Chosen for keeps

We tried to patiently await the decision of the birth mom we had met with. She had a big decision and we were not trying to rush her, we wanted her to be sure. We received a call in June confirming that, the birth mom had indeed chosen us to parent her child. Oh ya, she was pregnant with a little girl.

The next few months I tried to do as many things as I could to keep busy; so that I didn't go crazy with fear. I was afraid of the birth mom changing her mind, or somehow it not working out with the birth father.

 

July came and went.

 

 Jaxel was really starting to get big, and I had no idea what we were going to do with him. We still didn't know what the state was going to say about his future with us, but I gave them fair warning that we had been chosen by a birth mom to parent her daughter.

My sisters set up a baby shower for August 18th.

That morning as we were setting up I received a phone call. Our new daughters mommy had gone into labor and was at the hospital. That we needed to come now. I put my sisters in charge of canceling the shower, as I called nervously to get in touch with Johannes who had gone into work to stay out of my hair for the shower.

I can not explain the feelings that were reeling inside of me. I was afraid, for my daughters birth mother J, I didn't know how she was going to do this. I knew the loss that I had felt losing Brooklyn and I didn't want her to have that pain. I didn't want to feel like I caused that pain for her. I was afraid that she would change her mind too. I was afraid for J's physical pain and prayed the whole way that my Heavenly Father would bless her with the easiest birth that there was. I was SO excited! I would get to be at the hospital while my daughter was born. I would get to finally see this beautiful girl! My heart was pumping with excitement!

Johannes and I arrived at almost the same time. We rushed inside, we sat down. We talked to family members who were waiting as well.

Then we heard a tiny cry.

A short time later we were welcomed into the room with J and baby girl whom we decided to name Haven with a middle name after her bio mothers. We hugged J, and then I was able to hold Haven. She was so small, so beautiful and as I looked at her I wept. The spirit in the room was overwhelming and strong. Then Johannes was able to hold her. This moment was one of the most perfect and heart wrenching experiences I had gone through. Looking at J, I wanted to make her pain go away, I didn't even want to smile for fear that it would cause her more pain to see me happy. That little girl, my Haven, she was amazing. We were able to stay there, pick her name to put on the birth certificate, we were able to hold her multiple times. Then we went home that night emotionally exhausted, deliriously happy, and completely afraid. Would her birth mom change her mind in the night?

 

She did not change her mind. The night went by, then the morning and we were getting a call to come pick up baby from the hospital. It still did not feel real. I didn't know what it would take to make it feel real, but looking at J's face brought the realness of her sorrow.

 

We drove our little girl to my mothers and we shared our new miracle with family. All the while of being so in love and hugging and kissing Haven, the deep sorrow of Brooklyn, and J filled my heart. How can something so beautiful and spiritual, and right; still hold so much pain?
 

The most precious moment happened inside of me as we introduced Jaxel to his new sister, PURE joy!

Finding Hope

 

 

As I was struggling to come to grips with Brooklyn being gone. I was yet again in darkness. I was reaching out for my faith that my Heavenly Father loved me. I knew he did. I knew he had a reason for what we had gone through, but I just didn't know why yet.

 

 

Makayla was having a hard time. She was not being kind to me. She was wiping feces all over her room, her toys, her bed. She only wanted Johannes and the rejection at that time when I already felt so broken was overwhelming. I talked to the case worker about my fears of something going wrong and she said that maybe this was just not a good fit right now. That she had a family who had been taking care of her for her parents for years, who were so desperately wanting her. With shame at my failure, I accepted that, that might be a better option for her. When I went to drop her off at her new home I saw a sweet woman with dark curly hair, and Makayla ran to her. Again, I felt like a failure. I told this woman, that I didn't understand it but she just didn't want me.

 

This kind woman eased my heart as she revealed to me, that when Makayla's birth mother had began to use drugs again, she began to hurt her. She had dyed her hair bleach blonde, and she cried all the time.

 

She didn't want me, because I had blonde hair and cried all the time. At least there was a reason I could embrace.

 

I was now a foster mom to one little boy, Jaxel. It was a nice break, that offered me a chance to begin healing. I didn't know what would happen with this little guy, but I was already in love with him. I found myself over the next few months leaving my house again. I found that I could smile at the sweet things he would do with out feeling like I was betraying my first baby. I also found that I could go for a few days with out crying. It was not a quick process. I still had my dark moments, and this sweet baby who was always smiling, always cooing, always sleeping and eating and being completely perfect allotted me time to being to get better.

 

I was thankful to my Heavenly Father that I was still a mother. I was not a mother to my sweet girl, but I was still a mother to this sweet boy and I could truly see that my Heavenly Father was watching over me.

I tried to avoid the fear of losing him. I tried to avoid closing my heart off to him. He made it to difficult, not to love him.

 

My heart still ached. My heart still throbbed. Johannes and I found a way to cling together, to embrace this sadness and find a way to be happy.

In the next few months we would find out that the future of Jaxel in our family was uncertain. There were family members that were still options for him to be placed with.

Then May came. My mother called me, asking if I would like to extend our name to a birth mother who was looking for a family for her unborn child. My heart leapt and sunk at the same time. I told her that I needed to pray about it.

Brooklyn's first birthday came and so did Mother's day. I think every one except for my husband forgot that I was still a mother. We prayed together, what we should do? I called my mother and told her, that I would like if she did tell the birth mother about us.

 

June came and we met with the birth mother and her mother at our house. She was beautiful, she was someone I had known years ago, I had been six years older than her but I remember her bright spirit, and her beauty distinctly.

 

As soon as we began talking, everything she began to say, I wanted to answer, "me too." I tried to hold my tongue and listen and respond appropriately.

 

I think Heavenly Father was stepping in to join our spirits. They loved that Johannes loved Christmas lights. There were so many silly things that we connected on, that I can not deny that Heavenly Father had his hands in our meeting.

She left, and then hope began to bud in me again. Maybe I would be a permanent mother to a child?

In my next post we find out about what the birth mom chooses, if we will be blessed with a baby, and we find out more about our other sweet baby Jaxel. 
 

 
 

Brooklyn- A failed adoption (part 4)

 

I was so busy in October having three children, 2 years and under that I really didn't have time to think. (Thankfully)

When we received the new baby I wasn't going to give him a name. I was afraid to attach to him the way I had to Brooklyn. I was going to call him by his birth name. Fate stepped in, and that would not be a possibility. His name happened to be the very name my sister in-law had named her baby whom had passed away at birth. That name would bring far too many emotions to them, and since it was a possibility that we might be able to keep him, Johannes and I discussed a name for this new handsome man. (I will discuss this amazing boy further in the next post) We decided that we would name him Jaxel.

I kept praying every night. That somehow, I would keep Brooklyn. Or at least until Halloween. I already had her costume picked out, and somehow the thought of not being able to wear that silly costume, was too difficult.

Makayla, was enjoying being around the two babies. She was enjoying her time with me, but something strange was happening. Whenever we were in public, she wouldn't want me. She would only want my husband, Johannes. Whom she called Hunny (so cute). She was a sweet little girl. I was beginning to try and potty train her, and practice learning new things with her, she said funny things all the time.

Brooklyn was now 6 months old. She was sitting up, doing some pretty amazing baby talk. Eating like a mad woman. She slept so well, and was now able to sit on my hip, and snuggle me back. With out warning her tooth popped up and it was pretty much the cutest thing we had ever seen. I loved the way she fell in love with her toes, constantly rolling into a ball so she could grab hold of those little toesies for what seemed like hours.

Jaxel, was probably the sweetest baby ever. EVER! Within the first week he slept through the night. He ate so much food, that his belly would look swollen, and he'd still want more. He was a huge little guy and it was like he was trying to eat enough food to keep up with his growth rate. He loved to be swaddled, and he loved his binky. He was born with a broken clavicle but it never really seemed to bother him, and within that first month he was completely healed.

It's amazing how busy I was. I know that Heavenly Father knew that I needed that. I couldn't just sit there and worry because I had three little's to look after. He also blessed me with sweet babies, and at that time Makayla wasn't acting too much like a two year old.

Days before Halloween, we were to go to the bio mothers house to help the reunification process. I wish I had said no, but like I said before I didn't get that I had options. That's one thing I learned from this whole process, the foster care system will use you as much as they possibly can, and they do not care about your feelings. To them I was a foster parent. I wasn't an adoptive parent who was having their heart ripped from their chest.

I tried to be as nice as possible but mostly I just had to sit there and listen to their side of the story. I had to tour their house. I had to see that they had nothing ready for the baby that they would be receiving soon, when my house had been prepared for years. I had to fight the pain that was suffocating me. As we sat down, the grandparents, the bio mom, and her lawyer they wanted to discuss further meeting times. I finally found my voice. I told them I could not handle any more meeting like this. Their lawyer had the audacity to try and shame me, saying that when she was a foster mother, she would always support reconciliation. I then told her while holding back the tears the very best that I could,  "I was not her foster parent, I was her adoptive parent, and this is killing me."

We went home and I cried the whole way. I cried that whole night. I prayed that I would get to keep her, at least for my birthday. I just wanted her until my birthday. I begged that I would get to keep her over and over, at least until my birthday. Such a foolish wish. No purpose to it. I was just not ready to rip off the band aid of her loss. Somehow being able to keep her first for Halloween, then for my birthday somehow made it seem like all those times that I had waited for birthdays and holidays to get her, would feel like more of a reality. Like it would mean so much more. I knew deep down it would never be enough. That I wanted more than a few important dates. I wanted eternity with her in our family. I knew that we would never be able to get that.

Halloween came, and it was bittersweet. I took special pictures of her in her costume that still have a way of melting my heart even until this day. It came, and was over too quickly. Only five days away would be my birthday.

I can't remember those days in between. I was numb. I was afraid. I didn't want to face life with out her. Yet, part of me was ready for this pain to finally be over. The waiting for her to be taken, was horrible. I had thought waiting for a call from a bio parent to pick me was bad, but this topped that a million times.

November 5th came, my birthday. I received a call that we would meet with the bio mother the next morning at a grocery store, to hand over our little girl to once again become her little girl. I got my prayers answered I was able to keep her until my birthday. I cried and hugged her all day. I didn't want to even let her sleep. I didn't want her to be out of my sight. That night, while she slept, I hugged her picture instead and wept. My face was swollen, my eyes could barely open, I couldn't even breathe, I was crying so hard. I gathered all her things that we would send and put it in a bag to go in the morning. I discussed with my husband how we would handle the next day.

I didn't want to waste any of the precious time that we had with her, but I knew that I could not handle giving her away. I knew I could not say good bye that way and have that be my last memory. That morning I tried to pretend that she was just going to a visit and that I would have her again. I fed her, and hugged her. Kissed her a million times, and I told her she had to remember me. I told her she needed to remember how much we loved her. I told her that she needed to find me in heaven after she saw her life story and saw how much we loved her and fought for her. I told her I loved her and kissed her one last time as Johannes, stoically took her away.

I remember thinking that I was broken. That I would never be whole again.

I remember thinking that no one understood my sadness. In truth no one did.

I remember thinking that I was alone, even though I knew that my Heavenly Father was with me.

I tried to continue with my two children the best I could, but my heart was so broken, that all I could do was take care of their minimal needs, and then sit there and cry.

In the next post I get to tell you all about my healing, Makayla finding a new home, and sweet little Jaxel.

Brooklyn- A failed Adoption (part 3)

The sadness swept over me, pulling me down. I felt like, that high I had once felt had been replaced with the lowest low I had ever experienced. Every time that I looked at Conner felt like the very last time, and I didn't want to stop holding Brooklyn. I was afraid that she might just disappear. It felt like she was dying and I only had a short time to soak up the life we had left. I still had the visits with the bio-mom to deal with and they were now filled with such sad emptiness as the case worker would take them from me and I would be alone.

Conner left at the end of August. It was sad, but I had never felt like he was mine only that I was taking care of him until the bio mom got her stuff in order. So I guess I hadn't let my heart open up entirely. I loved him, but I was happy for him that he was able to go back to the family that he had known up until that point.

The case worker picked him up, and I hugged him hard. He cried not wanting to go, and I cried too. We had bonded, and I would miss his little face so much!

Then it was just Brooklyn with us, and the heaviness surrounded me. The fear that they would take her away at any moment. The sadness that was consuming me. I had never known depression like this, and every single part of my body ached, my heart screaming the loudest. My mind was on auto pilot taking care of a small babies needs. All I wanted to do was lay in bed with my baby and hold her. Every morning I would wake up to her coos and when I would go to pick her up she would smile. I would make up songs for her as I rocked her, and those moments are still etched inside of me.

We had a meeting with the case worker, the bio moms case worker, her lawyer, and a lot of other people, whom I had no clue who they were. It was to discuss moving Brooklyn back with her bio mother. I sat in the room numb. Completely numb. The bio grandfather, told us that we should really try to foster parent instead of paying for adoption. The case worker wanted us to go to their house to have visits at their house with them.

I wanted to scream.

I AM NOT A FOSTER PARENT. I DON'T WANT TO TAKE CARE OF SOMEONE ELSES BABY! I WANT MY VERY OWN.

I knew I shouldn't be, but I was angry at the bio mom. Not for loving them, and wanting them. But for getting in the situation she was in, for putting me in the situation that I was in. I was angry at her for breaking my heart. I was angry at her for breaking her promise. I was angry at her for choosing me.

They said they wanted to move her over with in the next couple months.

I didn't think I could be any sadder, but after that meeting, it happened.

I did not want to help her be a good mother, I did not want to give her back my baby. I did not want to feel all the pain that I was feeling. I wanted to see my dreams of that little girl come into play. I wanted Brooklyn to know me and love me, I wanted her completely. She was MY baby, wasn't she? No. She was not. She was her baby and like Conner, they had just chosen me to baby sit. They had used me. I was desperate enough that I was more than willing to be used.

September came.

The fear of Brooklyn's departure was so consuming.

I received a phone call. A little girl. She was almost two, and they just needed a home for her for a little while. They wanted to know if I would be willing to take her?

I don't know why because I wasn't in the right mind state to do it, but I was selfish and I did not want to be alone, when they took Brooklyn. I was afraid that if I was alone, that I might do something to myself. So, numbly, I said yes.

MaKayla came that night. She was beautiful with black ringlets, round face, and saucer blue eyes. She was smart and talkative and she brought in a new joy into our house that diminished some of our sadness. I tried to make myself pretend that they weren't taking Brooklyn away so, I could start surviving again. I didn't want to have my last days with her be spent in sadness. So we began shopping, and playing, and doing girly things.

I spent a short time convincing myself that a miracle would happen and somehow I would get to keep both of the little girls and that I would end up having two girls. I painted nails, I dressed them up we took pictures. I was in little girl paradise.

October came too.

Now I really began to get my hopes up. Maybe they wouldn't take her? Getting Conner back, might have been enough to appease them.

October 18th we received a phone call. A little boy needed a home. He had just been born the night before, would we be willing to take care of him?

I wanted to say NO, I wanted to say YES! I wanted to tell the case worker how much I hated every single one of them. I wanted that baby. I got on my knees and prayed. I cried and prayed. Heavenly father blessed me with peace and the answer, yes. I knew what this meant. Brooklyn really was leaving, but I would not be alone.

I called my mother to come watch my 6month old, and almost two year old, so I could go pick up my newborn.

In part four Brooklyn's story comes to an end, and the beginning of my forever family starts. 

 

Brooklyn- A failed Adoption (part two)

You hear that adoption is a roller coaster ride, but you never fully understand that until you are going through it. The fear, the happiness, the anger and frustration, and the love; all of these making for some sleepless nights and restless days.

The first week with Brooklyn was probably the happiest time of my life. As mentioned before it was compact with plans and moving things around in my house in preparation, but I was finally a mother. Not just a mother, I was a mother in love with everything about her little girl.

That week flew by and they brought Conner to our house. He was just a cute little chubby boy, who looked so afraid. I couldn't help but feel that motherly instinct for him as well. He had lived with his grandparents and mother his whole 16 months of life, and now they were placing him with the second set of unknown adults in a matter of weeks. His sister, was not his favorite person at first, but I knew that would take time.

I was now a mother to two children! Johannes and I were so in love, it was crazy that we had once worried what it would be like, if we could love another child, now looking back at those fears, it seemed so absurd.

Then came the visits with the bio mom. They were yet again, two-three hours away from where we lived, one way and they wanted me to transport two times a week. Taking a newborn and a toddler in a car for a short trip is hard enough, but 4-6 hours depending on traffic in the car was miserable. There was also the 3-4 hour visit time lengths that I had to sit there, or drive around to waste time. I didn't know that I had the right to contest where the visits would be held, I didn't understand that I could actually deny transporting the children. All I knew was that I was already so in love with the two little humans that I would do ANYTHING to keep them.

I remember Conner started out so sad, and afraid but with-in the next month he really started to blossom. I was able to see a smile, hear one of his mischievous chuckles. Witness his notorious eye rolls. He loved baths, and FOOD! He would eat anything that was placed in front of him and he had a little belly to prove it.

Nights with Brooklyn were my favorite. The quiet time with her in my arms, rocking her, kissing her soft little head. Watching her sleep as I imagined every part of her life ahead of her. Her small fingers wrapped around my one. With in that next month, she was already growing so quickly. All of her medical issues from her birth were now in control. She was eating and sleeping like a champ, and looking like a beautiful angel.

August came with horrible news. Horrible isn't bad enough. Horrendous, soul crushing news. They were going to return Conner home, which was sad, but kind of expected. That wasn't the soul crushing part. The state was going to return Brooklyn as well, but not right away. The birth mom had changed her mind. Of course she had. I never doubted her love for her. Her birth mom was contesting the drug charges, saying that, that was the first time she had EVER tried drugs. Logic would of course make that statement absurd. No mother would wait until days before she was to give birth to try drugs for the first time.

They were going to take my baby away, I hoped somehow that getting Conner would appease her, and she would let me keep Brooklyn. I knew that was never going to happen, but I prayed that it would. I prayed that I would get to keep my baby. I told my father in heaven how much I loved her. I told him that he couldn't take being a mother away from me. I told him that I would die, if he took being a mother away from me. I told him that if he loved me, he would let me keep my baby.

In part three, Conner leaves, and I still have Brooklyn for now, also I start to become a real foster parent.