Coveting a baby (Infertility and the waiting game)

After six short months of marriage my husband and I decided to try to get pregnant. When in fact we had never, not tried, to get pregnant, we had decided we were ready to really go for it. We both wanted a large family and we didn't want to be "old" when we had our very last one.

You hear about stories of couples who go for years with out finding out what's wrong with them. Within the next year we would find out that creating children would not be in our future. Our very last specialist said, with out holding back any punches, "you are going to spend a lot of money for something that will never happen for you". I cannot tell you how many times in the past ten years that those words have resonated in my mind, heart and soul.

Johannes and I sat and discussed what we wanted to do next. We had both talked about adoption before we were married. At the time we had felt a strong desire to adopt, but to also try and conceive children as well. So now that conceiving children was no longer an option. Our next step, was adoption. I can not tell you how much it helped that we both had that desire already in our hearts. Even though the miracle of child birth was taken from us, we still had hope to become a mother and a father, and a pre conditioned love for the adoption journey.

We signed up through an adoption agency, did all the paperwork, and home studies, adoptive parent profiles and then we waited.

The waiting was excruciating!

The questions from others were heartbreaking.

The emptiness of our arms, was numbing.

I remember so many baby showers, and nieces and nephews births and 1st birthdays and second birthdays, friends that were married at the same times as us, not only having their first child but then their second, and then pregnant with third. There were so many feelings of loss, and anger, and frustration. There were so many hurtful comments made out of good intentions.

The best part of that ordeal was Johannes and my commitment to each other. We didn't pull away, or turn to others, or find anger with one another's grief. We were able to pull together, and embrace our trial together. We were able to truly support one another in one of the hardest things that we had encountered. We learned that Heavenly Father made us a perfect match for one another.

I kept making deadlines for myself. I would say to myself that we would get a call by Easter, I could wait at least until Easter. Then that day would come, and I would mourn. Then I would say well... the 4th of July. I would get a baby by the 4th of July, and then the same outcome of no calls would come and again I would mourn.

I finished a baby room, and set it up perfectly neutral, sage and cream, that way I could add lavender or blue as an accent. I bought a neutral high chair and car seat and set up slowly for our dream baby. Every one who came to our house thought that we were crazy. Setting up for a baby that we didn't have, or know when we would get. But, I didn't let it detour me. When we got our baby I would be a perfect mother. Everything would be perfect. I would finally be in control. I even had diapers for the first year bought and stored (okay so I was a little crazy).

Now we had been married for three and a half years and I felt like we would never have a family. My hopes were starting to sink that we would ever have what had been longing for every single day and dreaming of every single night.

Finally, I became sick of waiting for my life to begin. I wanted to celebrate our lives together as we were. We decided that we would take a trip to Hawaii. Although, we were never truly away from our dreams of a family; it was a much needed distraction. We splurged and bought a Hawaiian Family Growth vase that we thought was funny and secretly hoped would work in growing our family.

 

We arrived home right in time for Mother's Day, which of course was a really hard day for me. I got through it and told myself that by next Mother's Day I would finally be a mother.

The next day I went to the mall with my little sister. After shopping for a while, I looked down at my cell phone and realized that I had missed four phone calls from Johannes. Immediately I knew this was the call I had been waiting for, for so long. I called him back, anticipation choking me. He said that he received a call.

I cried, immediately, and embarrassingly right in the middle of the mall. I remember my sister asking me what was wrong. I finally stopped crying and asked Johannes as many questions that I could. It wasn't a soon to be baby. It was an already born baby and she was a little girl. We had been chosen. There was a catch. The baby was born with drugs in her system. Of course, I didn't care.

I was so excited, I walked straight into the baby gap, and spent more money than I care to admit for my new little girl.

The wait was over. All of those months and years spent pining over a baby, I could now be a mother. I could now have a child. I could now have a daughter. My heart was spilling over with so much joy.

I had no clue the journey we would be taken on. I could have never guessed the heart ache that was still in store, or the worry.

Knowing what I know now, would I go back and change my mind?