Brooklyn -A failed Adoption part 1

We sat down with our adoption worker as she tried to explain everything that was happening. I think that all I heard was blah blah blah baby.

I didn't understand that she was telling me that CPS stepped in, and they're in control of what's happening with the baby. It didn't matter that the mother signed her rights away, and chose us. We would now have to become foster care approved. We would get visits with the baby at the PICC center, and so would the biological mother. The baby would have to stay at the hospital (that was three hours away from us) for a month. In that time they wanted us to become state licensed as foster parents.

We didn't care. We would do whatever we needed to, to bring our baby home. Johannes worked, we drove to the hospital, we had to do training to become foster parents and a million other things in that month.

Again, we didn't care. That's what parents do, for their baby. I took the one picture I had of her and showed every single person I came in contact with. We were already so in love.

The first time I saw her was in the hospital. The rooms had to stay dark, and we were trained how to coax her to eat. She hated it, but she loved me. The feeling of my arms was the best part. They were sore. I finally had a baby nestled in them, and that tiny little girl, gave them a workout. I didn't know how much I could love, I didn't know how quickly my heart would open for that sweet baby, but it was instantly. Johannes and I fought over who would hold her, and change her, and feed her and rock her. Her soft skin was rose petals, her brown eyes were chocolates, and her brown fluff on her tiny head was elegant. She was perfect to us as we viewed her with parental eyes.

That horrendous month flew by, we managed to do all that was asked. The case worker (who we had to visit with now) kept mentioning our babies big brother. The night before we were meant to go to the hospital to pick up our baby, the case worker told us that she would like to keep the bio siblings together. If we didn't take the big brother, they would move our little baby girl to the foster home where the brother was at.

We had a choice to make. Wash our hands of the whole thing, or become parents of two little children. A 16month boy named Conner, and our little baby girl who we were naming Brooklyn. We didn't understand it, but we said that we would take both. The case worker seemed happy with our choice and said they would move him in a week, so we could get settled with the baby first.

The day before fathers day, we brought our little girl Brooklyn home. It wasn't easy, being a new parent never is, but the additional medical issues from her birth (being born with drugs in her system) made it a little more complicated. During that time, I had to prep for a little boy as well. I rushed, to prepare our spare room for a 16month old little boy.

I was just so in love with our baby and the thought of another child in our house was scary but exciting as well. I couldn't believe that in one week we would be a parent to two children.

In part two we get Conner, and then we find out about visits with the bio family.  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Coveting a baby (Infertility and the waiting game)

After six short months of marriage my husband and I decided to try to get pregnant. When in fact we had never, not tried, to get pregnant, we had decided we were ready to really go for it. We both wanted a large family and we didn't want to be "old" when we had our very last one.

You hear about stories of couples who go for years with out finding out what's wrong with them. Within the next year we would find out that creating children would not be in our future. Our very last specialist said, with out holding back any punches, "you are going to spend a lot of money for something that will never happen for you". I cannot tell you how many times in the past ten years that those words have resonated in my mind, heart and soul.

Johannes and I sat and discussed what we wanted to do next. We had both talked about adoption before we were married. At the time we had felt a strong desire to adopt, but to also try and conceive children as well. So now that conceiving children was no longer an option. Our next step, was adoption. I can not tell you how much it helped that we both had that desire already in our hearts. Even though the miracle of child birth was taken from us, we still had hope to become a mother and a father, and a pre conditioned love for the adoption journey.

We signed up through an adoption agency, did all the paperwork, and home studies, adoptive parent profiles and then we waited.

The waiting was excruciating!

The questions from others were heartbreaking.

The emptiness of our arms, was numbing.

I remember so many baby showers, and nieces and nephews births and 1st birthdays and second birthdays, friends that were married at the same times as us, not only having their first child but then their second, and then pregnant with third. There were so many feelings of loss, and anger, and frustration. There were so many hurtful comments made out of good intentions.

The best part of that ordeal was Johannes and my commitment to each other. We didn't pull away, or turn to others, or find anger with one another's grief. We were able to pull together, and embrace our trial together. We were able to truly support one another in one of the hardest things that we had encountered. We learned that Heavenly Father made us a perfect match for one another.

I kept making deadlines for myself. I would say to myself that we would get a call by Easter, I could wait at least until Easter. Then that day would come, and I would mourn. Then I would say well... the 4th of July. I would get a baby by the 4th of July, and then the same outcome of no calls would come and again I would mourn.

I finished a baby room, and set it up perfectly neutral, sage and cream, that way I could add lavender or blue as an accent. I bought a neutral high chair and car seat and set up slowly for our dream baby. Every one who came to our house thought that we were crazy. Setting up for a baby that we didn't have, or know when we would get. But, I didn't let it detour me. When we got our baby I would be a perfect mother. Everything would be perfect. I would finally be in control. I even had diapers for the first year bought and stored (okay so I was a little crazy).

Now we had been married for three and a half years and I felt like we would never have a family. My hopes were starting to sink that we would ever have what had been longing for every single day and dreaming of every single night.

Finally, I became sick of waiting for my life to begin. I wanted to celebrate our lives together as we were. We decided that we would take a trip to Hawaii. Although, we were never truly away from our dreams of a family; it was a much needed distraction. We splurged and bought a Hawaiian Family Growth vase that we thought was funny and secretly hoped would work in growing our family.

 

We arrived home right in time for Mother's Day, which of course was a really hard day for me. I got through it and told myself that by next Mother's Day I would finally be a mother.

The next day I went to the mall with my little sister. After shopping for a while, I looked down at my cell phone and realized that I had missed four phone calls from Johannes. Immediately I knew this was the call I had been waiting for, for so long. I called him back, anticipation choking me. He said that he received a call.

I cried, immediately, and embarrassingly right in the middle of the mall. I remember my sister asking me what was wrong. I finally stopped crying and asked Johannes as many questions that I could. It wasn't a soon to be baby. It was an already born baby and she was a little girl. We had been chosen. There was a catch. The baby was born with drugs in her system. Of course, I didn't care.

I was so excited, I walked straight into the baby gap, and spent more money than I care to admit for my new little girl.

The wait was over. All of those months and years spent pining over a baby, I could now be a mother. I could now have a child. I could now have a daughter. My heart was spilling over with so much joy.

I had no clue the journey we would be taken on. I could have never guessed the heart ache that was still in store, or the worry.

Knowing what I know now, would I go back and change my mind?